It has been hard to sit down and write this. It feels uncomfortable to try and summarize
my relationship with Craig, or who Craig was, in a few paragraphs. Then, I realized I don’t have to do
that. Memories, thoughts, and stories
will continue to arise and I will share them with Kaya, Renae, and my own
family. Although we have lost Craig in
the flesh, he had the kind of spirit that doesn’t just leave your heart or memory.
It feels odd to find comfort when grieving in a pair of
telemark boots, but I have. I have been
wearing these clunky yellow Scarpas for 7ish years now. Some might say I need a new pair, but, I love
them. Partially because now, they are a
reminder of my connection to, Craig. He
helped me afford what I wanted at the time.
I paid a whopping $20 through the “puppy dog” sale at Black Diamond for
those beauties. That is better than even
the best pro deal out there- practically free.
The reason I love that memory and how they connect to Craig, is because
in some small way, it represents a few things about him. He loved to get around “the man”. I don’t think I was supposed to be able
to buy anything at that sale, but he didn’t care. If it meant I was going to get out more, have
more fun, and spend less money- check, check, and check. He was in. In
some ways, he was very focused on safety and rules, and in many other ways, I
felt like he was a trailblazer, someone who was willing to think outside the
box, and someone who felt confident setting his own rules and trusting in his
priorities and values.
Which brings me to my next thought. Craig, was a person, mind, and soul of opinion
and passion who was not afraid to share it with others. Sometimes this would be in your face. Craig and I definitely had a lovingly
confrontational relationship, and man, I miss that. Many people are afraid of saying what they think,
myself included. It is scary to risk
being judged, disagreed with, and quantified somehow by an opinion, thought
process, or set of feelings that might change or pass with time. Craig, on the other hand, told you what he
thought, why, and often, what I should do with that information- God bless his
soul. J And what I loved about this whole process is
that it was usually a fun, lighthearted, playful conversation full of meaning,
challenges, and complexity.
I love how he pushed me to realize that I need to stop
focusing on how overwhelmed I feel sometimes, and stay focused on what is
important to me- getting my kids and family into the wilderness, probably via a
raft, despite all the work it entails.
He is the only one who could look me in the eye and tell me to get over
myself.
Twins?
Twin toddlers.
Lots of gear, risks, and preparations?
Whatever.
“Stop making excuses, Audrey.”
Literally, that is what he would say to me.
Sometimes this would make me feel reactive.
I would think, “he does not get it”, but the
truth is, he did.
And, thank god he
didn’t keep it to himself.
He and I
shared this stubbornness common to those born in April.
That boldness is something I like and value
in a friend.
Another part of Craig that I
miss is his seemingly unending love. I
know passion is a word many people have used in connection with his name. Passion, to me, is an intense manifestation
of love. He just loved to love, and I
loved to be the recipient of that. I
think anyone who was close to him can attest to the genuine warmth you could
feel when in conversation with him. His
smile, encouragement, and interest felt like a warm understanding embrace.
I will do my best to live
life with a full and yet, light, heart.
That, to me, captures, Craig Patterson.
Audrey DuRoss
