Boots

It has been hard to sit down and write this.  It feels uncomfortable to try and summarize my relationship with Craig, or who Craig was, in a few paragraphs.  Then, I realized I don’t have to do that.  Memories, thoughts, and stories will continue to arise and I will share them with Kaya, Renae, and my own family.  Although we have lost Craig in the flesh, he had the kind of spirit that doesn’t just leave your heart or memory.

It feels odd to find comfort when grieving in a pair of telemark boots, but I have.  I have been wearing these clunky yellow Scarpas for 7ish years now.  Some might say I need a new pair, but, I love them.  Partially because now, they are a reminder of my connection to, Craig.  He helped me afford what I wanted at the time.  I paid a whopping $20 through the “puppy dog” sale at Black Diamond for those beauties.  That is better than even the best pro deal out there- practically free.  The reason I love that memory and how they connect to Craig, is because in some small way, it represents a few things about him.  He loved to get around “the man”.  I don’t think I was supposed to be able to buy anything at that sale, but he didn’t care.  If it meant I was going to get out more, have more fun, and spend less money- check, check, and check. He was in.   In some ways, he was very focused on safety and rules, and in many other ways, I felt like he was a trailblazer, someone who was willing to think outside the box, and someone who felt confident setting his own rules and trusting in his priorities and values.

Which brings me to my next thought.  Craig, was a person, mind, and soul of opinion and passion who was not afraid to share it with others.  Sometimes this would be in your face.  Craig and I definitely had a lovingly confrontational relationship, and man, I miss that.  Many people are afraid of saying what they think, myself included.  It is scary to risk being judged, disagreed with, and quantified somehow by an opinion, thought process, or set of feelings that might change or pass with time.  Craig, on the other hand, told you what he thought, why, and often, what I should do with that information- God bless his soul. J  And what I loved about this whole process is that it was usually a fun, lighthearted, playful conversation full of meaning, challenges, and complexity.  

I love how he pushed me to realize that I need to stop focusing on how overwhelmed I feel sometimes, and stay focused on what is important to me- getting my kids and family into the wilderness, probably via a raft, despite all the work it entails.  He is the only one who could look me in the eye and tell me to get over myself.  Twins?  Twin toddlers.  Lots of gear, risks, and preparations?  Whatever.  “Stop making excuses, Audrey.”  Literally, that is what he would say to me.  Sometimes this would make me feel reactive.  I would think, “he does not get it”, but the truth is, he did.  And, thank god he didn’t keep it to himself.  He and I shared this stubbornness common to those born in April.   That boldness is something I like and value in a friend.  

Another part of Craig that I miss is his seemingly unending love.  I know passion is a word many people have used in connection with his name.  Passion, to me, is an intense manifestation of love.  He just loved to love, and I loved to be the recipient of that.  I think anyone who was close to him can attest to the genuine warmth you could feel when in conversation with him.  His smile, encouragement, and interest felt like a warm understanding embrace.  

I will do my best to live life with a full and yet, light, heart.  That, to me, captures, Craig Patterson.  

Audrey DuRoss